Day 3: Nothing about the escaped monkeys in Mississippi makes sense anymore

Man, I honestly can’t believe that this is now Day 3 of the monkey conspiracy unfolding down in the great state of Mississippi. It’s been a trying few days on the non-human primate beat, but I do it for you, our loyal readers, and those with inquisitive minds that refuse to accept the status quo.

Tuesday night was absolute chaos at TLL HQ. Shortly after I, Ryan Conway, Arbiter of Truth and Justice, published a post on an alleged diseased-ridden monkey that escaped from a truck in Mississippi, the boys found themselves in the middle of a conspiracy. 

We were made aware of an update on the Citizen App, saying that a lab monkey was on the loose after a semi-truck crash in Mississippi. 

The first post about it was a pretty basic article, honestly. Incredibly tame compared to most things I write. Several of the monkeys escaped after the crash, while others were trapped inside their cages.

Authorities said all but one of the infected animals have since been “destroyed,” but one monkey was still on the loose as of 2 p.m. Officials warned that the monkeys require full protective gear to be handled safely.

No harm, no foul, right? Wrong.

Disease-carrying monkey on the loose in Mississippi after semi-truck crash

Next thing we know, Tulane University reaches out, immediately asking us to update the story. The initial reports said that the monkey had come from their own labs and was carrying all kinds of viruses.

A representative from Tulane promptly reached out to TLL, denying any involvement, even going as far as to say that the monkeys were not diseased. 

Interesting, to say the least.

This response immediately left us with more questions than answers. Tulane basically told us that 1. These are not our monkeys, 2. These primates are not diseased. I don’t know how you know the second point is a fact, while not being the proprietors of the aforementioned primates.

Also, the phrasing of “non-human primates” strikes me as tremendously odd. Nobody thought they were humans to begin with, and I understand science has its preferred nomenclature, but considering the context of their intervention, something is fishy down in New Orleans.

You can read the follow-up article, which is now going viral, right here. 

THREE MONKEYS…

Here’s where things continue to get interesting. In a new article posted on Fox News last night, there was a statement yet again saying that there are actually THREE MONKEYS still on the loose in Mississippi, contradictory to the single monkey we were covering.

It’s important to note that literally no one, not Tulane University, the Sheriff’s Department, or even those freaks over at PETA, mentioned THREE Monkeys. 

The new report also repeats that the three Primates at Large (PAL) are riddled with disease, which is heavily refuted by Tulane University. 

“The monkeys are approximately 40lbs, they are aggressive to humans and they require PPE to handle,” one of the sheriff’s posts states. “The monkeys carry hepatitis C, herpes, and COVID.”

Tulane also mentioned the PAL were not theirs and they had nothing to do with this on multiple occasions. 

The Fox News article contradicts that. Tulane released another statement shortly after the crash happened and said the following:

“Tulane University has been notified and will send a team to pick up the monkeys tomorrow. They advised that if the monkeys leave the wreck site, they need to be shot.”

No matter which road you take or what news outlet you are listening to or reading, there are way too many holes in this story, and they are all surrounding Tulane University. 

To be clear…Tulane University claims they had NOTHING to do with the crash. They also said the monkeys that were not even theirs were not diseased. 

Tulane again, then releases a rather casual statement saying that they would pick up the PAL tomorrow [Wednesday], but if they were to leave the crash site, they should be SHOT ON SIGHT. 

So yeah, the monkeys that Tulane has nothing to do with but claims are not diseased and that they will pick up a full 24 hours after the crash if they are still at the site, should actually be killed if they get away. 

Got it. That makes sense. 

Just kidding, it absolutely doesn’t. Quite frankly, this makes less and less sense as the story continues to unfold.

Why are we shooting perfectly healthy non-human primates willy-nilly? As an amateur, I understand not wanting a non-native species to wreak havoc on the local ecosystems,

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but we here at The Liberty Line stand with PETA in their quest for primate justice. This ridiculous cover-up with conflicting information coming from all sides cannot be allowed to stand on the public record without rigorous fact-checking.

PETA reached out to me directly last night after my follow-up, demanding a full necropsy on all primates that have already been destroyed. I agree wholeheartedly. If they are not diseased, then prove it. If they are, then the American people need to know what the scientific community has allowed to run amok in our communities.

Don’t get me wrong, we at TLL do still want to eat the primates, diseased or not. With three of them on the loose, we’ll be eating well for weeks. But trust and justice are fundamental pillars of the American Way. And that takes full priority.

It’s also not lost on us that we have been victims of attacks from all sides since we broke this story. False accusations of plagiarism and sad attempts at intimidation have been the name of the game this week.

It’s almost like a monkey’s curse has been placed upon the TLL organization. As a result, I must add my own entry to PETA’s list of demands. We’ll need a preserved monkey’s paw for each member of our team to ward off this curse.

Also, if you’re so inclined as to let us eat one of the monkeys, that’d be greatly appreciated. I am quite hungry after all this sleuthing.

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